Can I Get Rid of My Fetish?

Question: Can I Get Rid of My Fetish?

I received an email recently from someone describing a fetish they have. They felt that this fetish was ruining their life, making it difficult for them to find the romantic partner they crave and have the sex life the imagine they want. They wanted to know if it was possible to get rid of a fetish.

Answer:
Is there any chance to get rid of a fetish?

To answer this we would need to agree on what a fetish is. I don’t mean what your particular fetish is about (e.g. leather, strange sex toys. feet, nurses, bending your elbow a particular way). I mean, what is the “it” you want to get rid of:

• Do you want to stop thinking about your fetish?
• Do you want to stop having a desire to act it out?
• Do you want to dissociate from this fetish physically, emotionally, intellectually, maybe spiritually stimulating?

A fetish isn’t like a hobby, and it isn’t like a belief.

Actually there’s no agreement on what a fetish is, and how or why some of us come to have them. If you were to ask a sex therapist they might say that a fetish is an intense cognitive association between an object and a sexual response. If you were to ask a psychiatrist they might say that a fetish is a result of some unbalanced brain chemistry.

Someone might tell you it’s in your genes, another person might claim it’s a religious experience handed down from generation to generation, something tied to the spirit as much as the flesh. But none of this helps you immediately.

And simply because I have no idea what a fetish is, I’d be inclined to say that “getting rid of it” isn’t going to be that easy. If it were only a thought, or action, or feeling, then there are plenty of self-help books and mental health professionals who are available to help you shift your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions (with varying degrees of success of course). But my experience with fetishes suggests that they are absolutely more complicated.

It seems like you’ll need to answer some questions for yourself before you embark on changing something about yourself. Do you think of this fetish as being part of you? Do you think of it as an unwanted feeling? Are you embarrassed by it? Ashamed of it? Can you imagine what it would be like to not have this thing that you find sexually arousing?

If you’re feeling unable to dissociate from the fetish, one exercise I recommend is to think about a similar situation that has no sexual connotation. What if there was something else about yourself you wanted to change? Something that wasn’t just physical, but emotional and intellectual as well. How would you go about making that sort of change? Sometimes when it comes to sex, our own values plus social norms about sexuality can get in the way of us thinking creatively about ourselves and our capacity for change.

If you’re not sure where to start even thinking about this, then working with a counselor or therapist may be a good place to start. Just be aware that all professionals have their own beliefs and values about fetishes, and they may or may not push you to see things their way. This pushing could be subtle or obvious. Starting with a certified sex therapist may reduce the chances that you’ll get someone with an agenda, but not necessarily.

To the extent that fetishes have a cognitive component, meaning that the way we think and what we think is involved, there are probably cognitive-behavioral therapists who will tell you they can help you get rid of a fetish. And they could be right. It’s impossible for me to say. Although I can say with some certainty that anyone who offers you a guarantee is someone to be avoided.

Finally, I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t say something about the pressure all of us feel to be sexual in a socially appropriate way. One of the great lies we’re told about sex is that there’s one healthy way to be sexual or one “right” way to be. There isn’t.

But this idea is so pervasive and the arguments against being our own unique sexual selves are so compelling, that many of us get to a point where we can’t even imagine something different.

If you have taken time for yourself and thought about what you want and arrived at a decision that you don’t want to experience a fetish, that’s absolutely okay and your choice.

But if you want to get rid of some part of you because you think you “should” or because you believe you will always feel shame or guilt about it, then I want to point out that it may be possible for you to have your fetish and have the life you want.

It might not be easy, and it will probably involve compromise, but every day people create sexual lives and communities that resist the dominant idea of what sex should be. It is possible (and often beautiful) to create something that works just for you. It’s scary, and comes with risks, but it’s possible and wonderful. If you’re looking for more information along those lines just let me know and I’ll be happy to help brainstorm with you.

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