Amie Dawson, Ph.D.A common misconception is that anal sex hurts a little or a lot during the first few times (unlike the idea that vaginal sex must always hurt a lot the first time). In reality, sex, when performed the right way with the right person, should never hurt unless you want it to.
Doing it the “right way” means more than just technique. Real sexual stimulation requires you to pay attention to your body and learn how to respond when you feel a change in sensation. If you are in pain or uncomfortable, slow down, stop, or change your routine.
As for anal sex, it is true that many people feel pain or discomfort the first time or with a new partner. This is mainly due to a lack of communication, cooperation, and sufficient lubrication.
It is not because anal sex is inherently painful. Anal sex, or anal penetration, strains the sphincter muscles. But they are muscles, and exercising them is harmless as long as they are stretched appropriately.
To have safe and pleasurable anal sex, you need to be able to relax those muscles, not just endure the pain.
Anal sex is not safe or pleasurable if you experience pain and you try to hide that from your partner.
Anal intercourse can sometimes cause an uncomfortable feeling of fullness or pressure in the anal canal and rectum. Unless you have a medical problem, this feeling of pain is your body’s expression of, “What’s this? I’ve never felt that before.”
If you don’t like the feeling, anal penetration isn’t for you. Some people say that once they get used to the experience, the novelty turns into pleasure.
Anal sex without discomfort is doable, but it often requires extra effort.
Here’s how you can have anal sex that never hurts:
- Begin with anal masturbation.
- Talk to your partner about it so that you can both slow down, stop, or adjust masturbation if necessary.
- Always lubricate well.
- Don’t rush anal intercourse.
If you still find anal sex painful or uncomfortable, there are two other possibilities:
First, there may be a physical condition that causes pain during anal intercourse – you should talk to your doctor about this. The second reason is the process of anal penetration. Many don’t want this, and some prefer anal play without penetration.
If you’re ready to dive in, here are five important things to keep in mind.
- Discover the anus.Some pleasure points: The anus is where most of the nerve endings are located. So, the anus responds to a feeling of fullness or pressure. A few inches of pressure on the abdominal wall of the anus stimulates the (male) prostate. In women, the anus can also stimulate the tip of the (inner) clitoris.
- Relax and explore your anal opening, anal canal, and (male) prostate.Pay attention to how you feel. Stop if you’re overwhelmed by challenging or negative feelings. Relax and move on if you want to. If it hurts, don’t push. Pain is a sign that something is wrong.
- Open your mind to the possibilities of anal play.For example, licking or oral-anal contact (often known as rimming), opening the buttocks to widen the anal opening, and penetration with fingers, toys, or penis.
Remember to use fantasy and kinky talk to enhance anal play – or any other type of sexual activity!
- Have fun.Because the mucous membrane of the anus is so sensitive, be extra careful. Cut your fingernails short and round off the edges with a fine nail file. Anything that slips out of your grasp won’t be easily retrieved! The anus doesn’t form its own lubricant, so applying a lubricant is necessary.
- Keep clean.Never insert anything from the anus directly into the vagina – microorganisms from the anus can wreak havoc in the vagina. Wear condoms for penis penetration, special sex toys for adults for anal insertion, and latex gloves for hands, or wash completely. Sex toys intended for anal play include anal vibrators, butt beads, or male prostate massagers.
Use a dental dam or condom to prevent direct oral-anal contact.
