Amie Dawson, Ph.D.Talking dirty to your partner for the first time can be difficult and awkward because people are so self-conscious about exposing themselves emotionally. There are many ways that this fear can be overcome though, one being by practicing talking about other topics before transitioning into talking about sex with each other. Talking about different subjects over a period of time will allow both parties to feel more comfortable when exploring their sexual desires.
Here are some steps and ideas to help get comfortable with the dirty talk:
- Let your guard down by exposing yourself and getting comfortable with this new feeling (or if not completely new, just more of an open conversation)
- Try talking about what they like in bed, what turns them on, or even things that turn them off—whatever is appropriate. This will make both parties feel more at ease
- Admit that talking dirty is strange or uncomfortable; this way the other person knows what you’re dealing with
Be yourself
Dirty talk can be sexy and fun, but it often feels silly to perform. When thinking about this conversation topic, you might have the idea that dirty talk is something specific: a dominant figure or ravished submissive.
However, good dirty talk is what you make it and in order to do it well, you need to be yourself. Although you may take on a role during your dirtier talks (e.g., the submissive or dominant), there needs to be at least some part of yourself present if not all aspects of the role you’re getting.
Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
Find your voice
Finding your voice is a never-ending process, but the journey is more interesting when you have someone to share it with. If you are looking for ideas on how to find your own unique voice, here are some tips:
- Talk about what feels good and not what feels bad.
- Treat dirty talk as an opportunity to explore fantasies that might be too taboo in regular conversation.
- Be aware of any uncomfortable feelings or thoughts that come up during the process and try communicating them before they escalate into something bigger.
Think about it, you don’t need to pick only one voice. The element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation when they don’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!
Beware of your vocabulary
Behold! Your chance to unleash the foulest words your filthy mouth has ever uttered. Unless you’re roleplaying, avoid clinical terms, such as penis. If you’re at a loss, research some good dirty talk. This isn’t just a fun way to spice up your sex life. Swearing is actually an important part of developing vocabulary and being able to communicate effectively.
You can do research online, by reading some raunchy erotica, or in some cases watching porn. You may even want to turn to something like Urban Dictionary which has a vast amount of slang that might turn out more funny than hot.
Practice alone first
Carol Queen, author of “Exhibitionism for the Shy” suggests practicing on your own. Queen recommends that beginners first talk dirty to themselves while masturbating, imagining what it would be like to have sex with their partner and talking dirty to them.
Of course, you can start by doing this in your head until you’re ready to try it out loud!
Establish ground rules
The fear of sounding ridiculous or being put down by a partner is one reason why many people refrain from talking dirty. It’s important to establish ground rules when taking risks like this, and it might be helpful not too laugh at one another and refrain from judging each other.
It can be hard to know what your partner will say when they are caught up in the heat of passion, so it is important that you feel like they are respecting how vulnerable their words may make you.
Begin slowly
It can be hard to know what your partner will say when they are caught up in the heat of passion, so it is important that you feel like they are respecting how vulnerable their words may make you.
For example, “I love how your hands feel in my (insert body part here).” You can also tell your partner something you’re going to do, like “I’m going to touch you here,” or “Your mouth feels so good on/in my ________.”
For a more sensual experience, tell your partner something you’re going to do to them or something you want them to do to you!
Experiment with your voice
The human voice is a versatile and powerful tool. You can experiment with different speeds, volume levels, and tones to achieve the desired effect.
Change the volume of your voice by whispering or screaming at different volumes to get that perfect sound. You can also play around with changing the tenor of your voice by commanding or soothing an audience depending on what is needed at that momen.
Let your partner talk dirty to you as well
Find out what your partner gets off on by asking them to speak their dirty mind as well. While you might not like it much, it may give you some perspective that can help you learn more about what they like in bed from those words.
Being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different point of view, plus you may learn a few things from your partner that they wanted to tell.
You can read our honest sex toy reviews if you’re looking for something to spice up your love life:
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