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Vibrator only orgasms

Why Can I Only Orgasm with My Vibrator?

Using a vibrator, I can have great and, at times, several orgasms, but I’ve never been able to achieve orgasm with my partner. We’ve been together for 6 years, he’s “the One,” and we’ve always had incredible chemistry, so this is heartbreaking for both me and him!

The good news is that if you can orgasm during masturbation with a vibrator alone, you will almost certainly be able to orgasm during sex with your partner. You should be aware that the situation you find yourself in is not unusual, nor is it particularly surprising.

Vibrators, for one, are highly efficient methods for experiencing orgasms. They provide the kind of powerful, steady stimulation that most people need to experience an orgasm. They can also be a lot of fun.

On the other hand, many people do not learn how to engage in sex play that provides enough stimulation to experience an orgasm. This is the result of little to no sex education and a great deal of societal guilt about sex. Especially if you expect orgasm only from intercourse.

Problems with orgasming

There are a number of factors that could be preventing you from experiencing orgasm with your partner. I am curious if you have ever had an orgasm with another partner. Do you have any idea what is different about that partner if you have already climaxed with someone else?

We tend to think we do not orgasm because there’s something wrong in our relationship. But a committed, loving relationship can feel strange or dangerous to some people. Letting yourself go so far as to orgasm with a partner can actually be more difficult when it’s someone you care about than a virtual stranger.

Not enough stimulation, or the wrong kind of stimulation for you

If you are not orgasming because you are not experiencing enough stimulation during sex with your partner, this is the easiest problem to solve.

Vibrators provide more stimulation than the human body can offer. One question you should ask yourself is how much stimulation you need.
Because of the way your body works, you may just need a lot of stimulation.

For instance, if you are used to orgasm following stimulation with a magic wand massager, you should keep in mind that the primary purpose of these devices is deep tissue massages, so it’s no wonder your partner can’t offer the same type of stimulation.

If you own a rabbit-type vibrator, you already know that it offers dual stimulation (clitoral and g-spot) and this is impossible to get from PIV intercourse, where only the g-spot gets stimulated.

Mini bullet sex toys and clitoral suckers also offer very specific types of stimulation – both target the clitoris only and they are not as strong as the above-mentioned types of vibrators. What you can do to achieve a similar effect with the help of your partner is through an honest conversation. Explain how you want to be caressed- using fingers, tongue, or some other body part. After enough training, I’m sure you’ll reach the effect you craved for.

If you are a gay couple, the same tips can be implemented for most male sex toys. Depending on what type of male vibrator you are using, you can explain to your partner exactly where to target his efforts. If you own a prostate massager, you can teach him how you like to be touched so you can reach a prostate orgasm. If anal vibrators are your preferred kind of sex toy and anal penetration can’t provide the same effect, you can simply ask him to use his fingers instead.

Can you tell your partner what you need to go over the top now that you are aware that the problem is not enough stimulation? It may be necessary to study some procedures (learning how to use your hands, mouth, or other body parts to get what you need). You may also need to tell your partner where you prefer to be touched/massaged.

However, this is not always the case. Maybe some other part of your body is very sensitive. No one can magically know where and how to touch a partner, no matter how much love, comfort, and chemistry there is in a relationship. It may feel awkward at first, but it’s important to talk about it until you find a solution.

Orgasm can also be made more difficult if you are taking some medications. You may not notice it if you have a vibrator, but without one, the problem with orgasm is more obvious. You should discuss this with your doctor if you are currently taking medication.

However, the easiest and first recommendation I have is to use vibrator with your partner. You could start by simply masturbating with your vibrator while in the same room if that is comfortable for you. This way, you are already a step further. The vibrator could then be used during sex play with your partner, while you are holding it.

If that does not work, try letting your partner hold the vibrator. Give him some instructions first. If he’s never used a vibrator before, let him try it out on himself first before you do it together. It’s foolish to think that “real sex” does not involve a vibrator.

If you want to have an orgasm with your partner without using a vibrator, it’s probably possible, but it will take some time and you both need to be willing to try new things.

The problems of the relationship

I should also mention that occasionally when a person is unable to have an orgasm with a partner, it is due to other problems in the relationship. If you are happy in your relationship and with your partner, do not assume that there is something else going on that you are not aware of.

Relationship problems

However, it is worth spending some time alone thinking about the many components of your relationship and assessing how you feel about them.

It could be something to do with money, work, where you live, or your family. It could be about something that happened a long time ago that you both do not want to talk about anymore but it is still making you insecure or unhappy.

Compulsive, negative experiences

We have to let go of a lot in order to have an orgasm. We have to relax, focus on ourselves, and let go of our guard, so we can feel pretty vulnerable. We can do this on our own sometimes, but not when someone else is around.

It could be related to a past experience of coercion (for example, if we were forced to have sex or felt pressured to have sex). It could be related to a horrible encounter that you did not feel was coercive or aggressive.

If you used to be able to orgasm with other partners, consider if anything has changed so that you can not relax as well with that current partner.

If you have never orgasmed with a partner, make an effort to notice the differences in your thoughts, feelings, and physical experiences when you are alone and when you are with them. When you are with your partner, you may notice that you are more tense, insecure, or anxious, and all of these things can prevent you from having an orgasm.

If this is the case, no amount of good practice can change the situation. If you and your partner have a solid working relationship, it may be appropriate to discuss this with him or her. If you are not sure, talk to a counselor or trusted friend about it, and then figure out how to include your partner in the conversation.

Relaxation is necessary.

There is also the option that there is no essential cause for it. It is possible that you are having difficulty relaxing enough to achieve orgasm with your partner during sex.

Because our sexual response is so impressionable and prone to habituation, it’s possible that you did not have an orgasm the first few times and now you are thinking about it, worrying about it, and it’s messing you up. Although sexual performance anxiety is “in your brain,” it is extremely powerful and rarely goes away on its own.

There are a number of things you can try if you think this is the problem.

  • Start with breathing. This may sound silly, but it’s a good place to start.
  • If you feel anxiety or nervousness, be sure to talk to your significant other.
  • If you keep these things to yourself, it will be even harder to get rid of them.
  • Talking to a sex therapist may be helpful, and you can do this alone or with your partner.

The bottom line: you can learn to orgasm with a partner if you can orgasm alone.

It may not come quickly or easily, which of course can be annoying when you are in a romantic relationship. It can even seem like a betrayal.

But it’s possible that it’s just a gap between your body, your mind, and your feelings. The coming together of two bodies always complicates things, and you should be aware that many people find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, even though you may have seen it in the media. You should also be aware that change is not only possible but likely if it feels rewarding and you are able to work together.

Amie Dawson PhD

Amie is webmistress and head honcho at TheToy. She’s been married for seven years and has two kids.

For the past 10years Amie has lived the swinging lifestyle and gets to practice what she preaches at TheToy.

Sometimes technically challenged but always willing to try something new is the best way to describe Amie. Her motto in life is: “There is no such word as Can’t, take off the T and make it can.”